The Longed for Child

It will all be worth it

They said

And here you finally are

My dreams made real

At last.

You are as ordinary and as special

As all babies I guess

No love at first sight for us

Relief yes

But then a numbness where ecstasy should be

I think

Has it really all been worth it?

The everyday

Cracked nipples

Sleep encrusted eyelids

My valiant efforts to decipher

Your deeply encrypted cries

Has it really all been worth it?

None of this reality ever found its way into my day dreams

Despite what others think

This baby shaped hole cannot be filled by you

Despite what others say

The trauma is not so easily erased.

Too many losses

Too much waiting

Too much anticipation

Feels like I've laboured for you all my life.

Every syringe

Every bruise

Every scan

Every cut

The clarion call of what I've borne

To bear you child

Inked

On mottled skin. Childbearing

Of a most elongated and exquisite type.

And now you're here I have to tuck those scars away

And join the tribe of the forever grateful

Those for whom the bubble never bursts

My valiant efforts

To love you

Hidden now too.

Shame forces me to hide

When I fall short.

The journey to you

Sometimes shared

Not always understood

My longed for child.