I spoke with Eftyhia Koulouris of The Mother Mission about her transition to motherhood and the best and worst advice she got. Ephy's work involves helping mums “find themselves in motherhood” by providing the community, support and empowerment that they need to thrive. You can read more from Ephy on her blog The Villager
Why did you set up the Mother Mission?
There was a need for real, honest mom content. There was a need for a place for moms to find community and connection and a place for moms to be seen and to be validated. It was something that I needed and I knew that other moms would need it as well. When you look online at the information pitched to new moms it’s more geared towards the child. How should we parent the child? How do we get children to sleep? I was more interested in this experience of becoming a mom. When I came across the concept of matrescence and it was a kind of ‘aha!’ moment. I was so excited to know that there is a word for the experience that I had in motherhood, and that my experience wasn’t unusual at all. It might look different for each mom but there are things we share in common as we process becoming a mother. I maintain this community and share any knowledge I have that might be helpful for moms because ultimately, I don’t want other moms to experience motherhood the way I did.
How well prepared were you for motherhood?
I want to talk a little about my delusion. I think that’s the appropriate word. I’d always liked kids. I was a natural teacher. I studied human development and family studies and worked in a daycare centre with toddlers. During my Masters I was also a part time nanny to a six month old and a two year old. I felt like I was just meant to be a mom. I gravitated towards kids. I thought it would just be so easy.
My daughter arrived three weeks early and I needed a C-section. The next day I woke up in the hospital and put on makeup and the robe I picked especially for this day.
I thought I was ready for the day but from that moment onwards I realised that I wasn’t prepared at all.
The pain of breastfeeding was not something I was prepared for. My partner, it became clear, was so unprepared that he felt intimidated even holding our baby. I didn’t realise that sleep deprivation was going to cause the stress that it did to my system. I thought for some reason that I would just be so happy to wake up and soothe my child at night. I was not. We couldn’t get her to sleep in what we’d been told was the safe environment and the more I read online about baby sleep the more stressed out I became. I felt like there’s so much to know and I don’t know anything, that must be why she’s not sleeping!
It was a huge struggle and exactly the opposite of what I thought my experience as a mom would be.
What could be done differently to help people prepare for and manage motherhood?
Community is key. My parents both grew up in small villages in Greece. I don’t want to idealise it, it was very basic and very gendered but everyone lived in close proximity. Multiple people were involved in taking care of a child. Everyone in the village saw newborn babies and saw them growing up. In the US our communities are set up to be so individualised and there's a lot of space between our homes and between us and the town centre. I think in modern motherhood, moms are kind of hidden away.
We're tucked away. We're almost mothering in secret. And we're not encouraged to share what that experience is really like.
We need to change this approach to motherhood, where it's something that's done secretly in your own home. Let's open up so that everyone can see what it looks like. So that we can share our experiences, so that we can collaborate when there's an issue, so that we can problem solve together and it's not something that's done alone.
Nothing in motherhood comes naturally. We learn. These are learnt skills and we learn them from each other. Motherhood was never meant to be done alone.
Thinking back to your early motherhood, what was the best and worst advice that you got?
Enjoy every minute because it goes by so fast. I definitely didn’t enjoy every minute of it. That’s horrible advice. You can’t possibly be happy to get up at 1am and then again at 3am and have zero sleep. There’s no way that you can enjoy that.
Don’t just run to her and pick her up, you’re going to spoil her. That’s another terrible one that I got. It’s so easy to be criticised as a mom, like with almost everything about being a woman. There’s a tiny little area in which you can be successful in other people’s eyes. You’re either not doing enough for your child, or you’re doing too much. It’s like being goldilocks searching for the perfect porridge. Where is it?! It’s really hard to find.
Some good advice, but much easier said than done at first, is trust yourself and don’t worry what other people are saying. My mom’s advice. In a society that’s so harshly critical of moms I think you have to do that as a form of protection for yourself. I’m not saying that you should cut yourself off, but you need to create a kind of filter. You’re receiving all this unsolicited advice. If you’re online at 2am looking up baby sleep tips you’re bombarded with all these different people claiming to be experts with different, contradictory, advice. Developing a filter helps you take in what’s relevant and valuable to you and your family, whilst blocking the rest. There’s a lot of advice out there that creates an environment of fear for moms. There are so many things that you’re told not to do that it’s almost impossible to follow them all and it causes so much anxiety. I think we need to be more open about the effect of advice overload on mom's mental health.
What can people do if they want to find out more about your work?
I have a website where you can find my blog, The Villager, as well as information about services that I provide. I’d also like to invite readers to connect with our virtual village @themothermision. So many social media accounts can have a negative impact on our mental well-being but I promise that you will find a supportive, honest community to connect with on my Instagram account.
Feel free to DM me or email me, ephy@themothermission.com, if you would like to connect.
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