When I fell pregnant I did everything to prepare for the birth that I wanted, including the visualisation of a non-medicated, natural labour that would no doubt be a profound experience and demonstration of what my body was capable of.
Until late in my pregnancy when my Obstetrician recommended I have a caesarean.
As I was sitting outside the hospital considering my options I would like to say that every thought that went through my mind was solely about the welfare of my baby and myself. I would like to say that I wasn’t questioning what other people would think of my choice…but if I said that I would be lying.
The deciding factor was looking at the risk (however small) of ignoring the recommendation and knowing that if this risk became a reality, my decision to proceed with the birth I wanted may have been at the expense of my son. So I made the choice to have the ‘elective’ caesarean. Whilst I wish things could have been different, I still stand by that choice despite the many people that have told me I should feel otherwise.
Birth is often presented as an empowering journey into motherhood, but mine was not.
Myself and my baby were cared for impeccably, but my birth was clinical. I couldn’t hold my son immediately after as I began to vomit and I was largely bedridden in severe pain in a dark room for the first four days afterwards due to a dural puncture. It took a long time to let go of what I thought things should have looked like, and while I was justifying my decisions to myself, I was also justifying them to multiple strangers and even health practitioners.
In the post-partum period I used to think to myself: if I had a dollar for every time someone passed judgement on my birth then it would have funded quite a few of the coffees that fuelled me through those first weeks of fatigue and chaos. That was one of the ‘light-hearted’ ways I tried to look at many aspects of my birth, when inwardly it felt heavy. Three years later I still sometimes think about what I should have said to all the women who told me that my caesarean was only done for the doctor’s convenience and wasn’t medically necessary, to the GP that joked at seven days postpartum that I was ‘too posh to push’.
A lot is written about the importance of women feeling they can make choices during pregnancy and birth without feeling pressured by the medical system. For us to really be empowered we must be able to make those choices without judgement.
When I fell pregnant the second time I wanted a vaginal birth (VBAC) and joined a Facebook Group that I thought would empower me with information. Instead what I found was largely fearmongering and the demonisation of the medical system, pitting pregnant women against doctors. I left the group and decided to proceed towards my second birth trusting my instincts, and I think somewhere along that line I found a way to tune out all the noise that was still echoing in my head from my first birthing experience.
So before you ask someone about their birth, I ask you to first consider if you think there is a wrong and right way to give birth. If you do, then perhaps reflect on why you are asking that question and what the impact might be.
In those foggy days where your baby is brand new, the birth is such a big chapter in your story. When you wish that chapter had been different it is hard to digest. But as time goes on you realise that part begins to disappear in the excitement of the rest of the book. And if your first chapter, like mine, was neither empowering, profound or beautiful, the rest of the story still can be.
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