When I announced my first pregnancy I was greeted with an outpouring of delight- shrieks, hugs, tears, the works.
My second pregnancy announcement was similar. No tears this time but definitely happiness. Happiness followed quickly by an endorsement of ‘getting it over and done with’ and advice or worries about dealing with two children.
My third pregnancy announcement? With that one, I’d clearly broken the rules. I already had a boy and a girl. A complete set! My news was greeted with disbelief, swearing, and unmasked intrigue about whether or not it had been an accident.
I would then be given a list of reasons why they couldn’t ‘do it again’ which included sleep deprivation (yep, I hear you), money (also valid point), careers and maternity leave (yep) and then random comments such as “Won’t you need to buy a new car? You can’t get 3 car seats in a normal car?”.
I told lots of people in person about my happy news, and of everyone I told, not a single person immediately responded with “Congratulations”.
Congratulations often came later, but first came shock, lots of questions, and comments on how expensive holidays would be from then onwards. One friend even asked me if my husband had wanted another baby, as if he hadn’t been involved in the process.
I write poetry about motherhood and when I was pregnant I wrote a poem about announcing my third pregnancy and how I felt I was having the wrong number of children for society to accept easily. I had lots of comments, far more than most of my poems get. I had some people message me privately and say that they were so glad I wrote it, because they feel they also have the wrong number of children.
A few friends said they have one and only ever wanted one child and they get upset that everyone is asking them when they’re having the second one. A second child is expected and if they ever drink a Diet Coke instead of a beer, the assumption is that happy news will follow soon and somehow everyone is disappointed that there is no second baby. Another friend tried for a second child and had twins, which was a shock for her but everyone thought that was OK because there’s not much you can do about twins and wasn't she lucky?
What about other numbers of children? Four? Five? I do wonder how parents of lots of children don’t just lose them all in a playground - mine all run off in opposite directions as soon as we’re through the gate. Greater numbers of children were far more common in our society years ago - full kudos must be given to the mums of long ago who didn’t sleep for years amidst decades of child bearing.
Of course no children is an option too. I have lots of friends who chose to remain childless and I know they are often tired of justifying their lack of children to friends, family and anyone else who asks. Some are married and it is assumed children will follow. One friend worries she has disappointed her family by not producing the next generation, but she just doesn’t want to have children. Other single friends love their life and have no desire to give it up.
And so for this society of ours so fixated on 2 children, we must remember that for some people, the right number of children is none at all.
I do now have three children. They’re amazing little humans I adore and I can’t imagine not having three now. I do feel a third child costs me a disproportionate amount of additional money though.
Cars are designed for 2 big car seats, not three, so I had to buy a specially adapted car seat for 3 children which was expensive but cheaper than buying a people-carrier. Holidays cost a fortune now - most places won’t let 3 children share one room so we have to get bigger places which of course cost more. Hotels are almost always a no. Family tickets to attractions are usually for 2 adults and 2 children, so we have to buy a third ticket.
Even my baby-equipment appears to have been designed for 2 children.
Not one, but both of my pushchairs gave up when I put a third child in it. It’s as if they thought they had retired and were livid I’d made them come out of retirement to work for another child. The tyres on my travel pushchair were so battered they were more oval than circular and so taking my newborn baby out in them was like putting the poor kid on a bouncy rollercoaster. So I replaced them. Shortly after, a tyre on my main pram collapsed so of course I had to replace all 4 of them. The pull-down hood on my pram tore, so a slice of sunlight will peek through the snoozeshade at nap time, the hold-on bar on my main pram also broke and I didn’t bother to replace it, and there’s an irreparable hole in the basket of my travel pushchair that I hope doesn’t get too big because I still really need the basket. My buggy board connector snapped, in clear protest of another bouncy toddler being thrust upon it. Even my clip-on coffee cup holder couldn’t hack a third outing, a new one had to be quickly purchased.
So this third child is costing me a fortune and he has no idea. It’s a good job he’s cute. It might be a two children world for most nowadays but not me. I’m happy with my number of children, to me it’s perfect - and that’s the key: to me, it’s perfect. There is obviously no ‘right number’ of children and deep down we all know that but it now comes as no surprise when visiting somewhere/buying something I have buy an extra something for my third kid, or when someone says “bloody hell, you’ve got your hands full” when they see me with a school girl, a preschooler and a toddler. As for the disproportionate amount of additional cash this third child has cost me, of course he’s worth every penny. Honest (*requests payrise at work*).
You can read more of Nicola's writing on her Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/mammystalkingtoherselfagain/
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